The Anti-Jon Story

It turns out, yet again, that happiness is a worthwhile pursuit. It has resulted in creativity!

Sctott and I were having a discussion a little earlier about a mutually disliked former acquaintance. His name is Jon, and for all his good looks, scientific prowess, grammatical flair and vast alcohol tolerance, he is an arrogant, disparaging, insensitive... person (RE my previous post: it's ok, I forgive him).

Jon likes to make known his written works, almost at the expense of others; he brazenly puts forward his efforts with the pretence of a self-deprecatingly modest genius ("Here's my submission to the magazine - I doubt it would make much sense out of the context of the book, but it's my best shot anyway. I'm afraid I can't come to the publication meeting.")

It so happens that Sctott saw Jon today, and within the context of literary creation too, as Jon was nosily trying to oversee Sctott's work on the aforementioned magazine, the society of which Sctott is the president. Neither Sctott nor I care much for Jon's work, reeking as it does of ostentatious self-assurance, since in the past he never cared to ever look at ours and pass any criticism, positive or negative. Thus it was decided that what we needed to produce was an anti-Jon story. This would be a story of Jon's made of antimatter, such that if he ever tried to get one of his stories near us again, especially in the context of a magazine submission, we would use the anti-Jon story to destroy it.

As everyone knows, when matter comes into contact with antimatter, both annihilate, resulting in a complete absence. As everyone also knows, antimatter has the property that it is exactly the same as matter except for a reversal of time symmetry. The effective result of this is that antimatter is regular matter travelling backwards in time. Obviously.

That's when we remembered that back in the first year Jon had had a sudden problem with one of his computer's hard drives and had lost a significant amount of his writing. And we realised that he lost it because our future selves had clearly written an anti-Jon story and sent it back in time. We had not written any such thing, however, creating the condition that unless we wrote an anti-Jon story there and then a time paradox would cause the universe to explode. So we decided to write one. The effort follows.



THE ANTI-JON STORY
by Me & Sctott, featuring the Housemate Third
All idiocies, grammatical or otherwise, are intentional (we promise).


Once abom a time (theabom was made of jelly and nitrogen and cumin and fire) there was a car-crash and it was really witty. The ombomniscient narrator died of StTurf maccarony. Therefore the story is therefore narrated in the 3rd person without a narrator. The story will be as deep as a ladies garter.

Won day, there wos a pirate whose name wos Won Jon Silver. He wos friends with a Jedi named Jobi Jon-Won Jon-Bon-Jovi Kenobi. I think we need speech marks now, "said the pirate." But not like that! Get them right, for Jedi's sake! "Ok, sorry" I'll stop now. "I should say so," said the pirate to me, "and stop speaking in the first person." Ok, the non-existent narrator will stop talking in the first person. And will stop mixing tenses.

Won Jon Silver and Jobi Jon-Won Jon-Bon-Jovi Kenobi were walking in a field when they saw a beautiful girl. She was cryin'. "What's the matter?" they asked.

"My dad is Bob Marley the Evil Rainbow, and he has forbidden me from being sarcastic and witty. I hope you like cryin' too."

"We don't," said the pirate and the Jedi, and so they left.